Calm.

I really need to be calmer. It is a New Year's Resolution, actually. Well, really, I just keep thinking how I need to be calmer, and it happens to be January, so it works.

For our entire lives, people have commented, with a mix of awe/curiosity/jealousy/concern/disgust, on how much energy and how "busy" my sister and I are. Often, people have asked why we are such spazzes. "Spaz" is very much part if my identity. Every year, when I taught the word frantic, my students immediately commented, "oh, that's you, Mrs. Hughes!" And, I was always the subject of the sentence for the frantic sentence on the vocabulary test. Every single year for 8 years. I was also the subject for exuberance, empathetic, and witty, so it's all good.

To be fair, some really fun, exciting moments come out of my non-calmness. Yesterday, I gave Lily a part of a cookie that I was eating, and she said: "Oh, Wow! This is so awesome, Mama! Thank you!" It was more squealing in delight rather than just saying it, actually. I think that most of the time, life is just better when fun and excitement are involved. Obviously. BUT, the franticness that IS me threatens to suffocate us at times. Mainly, I want to stop worrying / being anxious / creating worst case scenarios in my head. So, I don't want to filter my excitement or joy or exuberance, but I want to be able to CHILL out... At least have the ability to not be crazy. It is really so exhausting to have to constantly overreact, and I am ready to take a few steps toward occasional calmness.

Here are a few of my recent non-calm incidences, just so you understand:

1. A few weeks ago, I texted Hughes:

I lost my Visa card. Ugh. There was a homeless man at BP trying to get into my car, so I think maybe he took it. Can you see if the number I am supposed to call is on the back of your card? Thanks.

There WAS a homeless man at BP that day, and I was completely convinced he took my card. It is not as terrifying/ sketchy as it sounds, though, so quit freaking out, Mom. I was pumping gas and singing to Lily though the open back door, when this man appeared like 10 feet away asking for some gas; he wanted it in his little red gas can. I, of course, pretended like I didn't hear him and kept singing to Lily. I cannot save the world when I have my girl with me. I did, however, shift my stance in case I had to use the gas nozzle as a weapon and spray him with gasoline. He kept inching closer until at one point he was practically next to the car, so I jumped in the car, threw out a "sorry" and sped away. At some point soon after at McDonald's I realized I was missing my Visa. Hence, the text to Hughes. The man was never even really that close to my car, yet I was completely convinced he took my card and this was some sort of conspiracy. I am serious. My stomach was in knots about it. A few minutes after texting, I realized my Visa was in my wallet, one space under where I normally keep it. Oh.

The BEST part about it... Later that night, Hughes told me he was eating lunch when he got the text, and his co-workers were apparently quite alarmed. They asked Hughes, "Aren't you worried? A homeless man?"

He loves us, and is definitely our protector, but he is also very used to me. I think he just told them it was all fine. This is just part of his life.

2. I lost my purse at gas station. (See picture above. I am on my iPad and can't get it to move).

We drive to see family A LOT, and on one trip, I thought I left my purse in the podunk, sketch East TN gas station bathroom. It had my wallet, phone, snacks, coupons, etc... So this was tragic. As soon as I realized it was missing, I acted like the mature grown up I am and screamed loudly and abruptly enough that Hughes almost ran off of the road. My husband, the master of calm, took a breath and turned around to go back. Once we arrived back at the gas station, my heart pounding and my palms sweating, I was about to jump out and spring inside the gas station. But first, I had to take my purse off of my feet where it was resting. Yes. On my feet. Ridiculous. We didn't have to go too far out of the way, but STILL! We just turned around, again, and rode in silence.

3. The dryer broke. This one happened Sunday. It was sort of the final straw for me on deciding to get calm (let's remember that these are just a few of the daily incidences). I pushed the button to turn on the dryer and realized it did NOT work! I clicked amd turned and re-turned. Nothing. There were wet clothes in the dryer, so I, of course, immediately started worrying about them. In a matter of 12 seconds my thoughts genuinely followed this path: "Oh, no! I will have to take these wet clothes to the laundromat, where I will have to sit and wait, probably get my wallet either stolen or lost... Oh, yuck, I will have to go BACK to the DMV. Ugh." I run and tell Hughes (breathlessly, frantically, because that is how I live) that the dryer is definitely broken. I seriously debated telling him about the possibly future-lost wallet but decided to wait to break that news to him. He walks in, says, "let me close the door completely first (no sarcasm) and then we can see what the problem is." Oh. Lily helped me out in the clothes and the door looked closed. I never checked it. Obviously when he pushed start, it worked. I mumbled something about Lily and not my fault and ran back upstairs, genuinely relieved that my drivers license wasn't going to need to be replaced.

I am ridiculous. I am not a pessimist at all, so the worst-case-scenario isn't me being negative; it is me just being frantic.

It doesn't help that my husband is the most prepared, rational, logical, un-dramatic person, ever. The epitome of calm. Even when my twin sister accidentally sprays (soaks)him with gasoline because she thinks she sees a Death-Eater and is taking Mad Eye Moody's advice (constant vigilance!) to heart.* When she can't get the nozzle to stop spraying gas all over the three of us, he calmly, without any screaming or drama, quickly, purposefully, and rationally saves the day. But not our clothes, which are permanently ruined.

* She was reading the 4th Harry Potter for the first time (years ago- our spazness goes way back), and it is VERY easy to get immersed completely in the book and be unable to separate it from real life. Don't judge.

* This is how I know gas nozzles make good weapons.

I have no idea how to get more calm, though. Advice?